I remember the days right before I got accepted on the race. I use to stay up until 3am watching videos and reading blogs. I knew in my heart there was something more than just getting a job out of college and being a teacher.
I was wrecked on the race doing things I had never in my life dreamed of doing. I encountered a God who spoke intimately to me and would offer an abundant life. I was forever changed.
Here I am again, back in America going to school, again. Don’t get me wrong I could probably go to school the rest of my life. The idea of learning and reading huge books about interesting things could keep me busy forever.
The other night I caught myself watching videos and reading blogs until late into the wee morning. I started to have this longing deep down to go and abandon everything. Sell my car, belongings and drop out of school to find Jesus in the little street kid somewhere in a foreign country. I tell people lately that I have gotten my fill of traveling. I am so excited to settle somewhere and make some sort of life, some sort of community. But there is something so attractive about recklessly abandoning life in pursuit of Jesus.
One major lesson I have learned in all my adventures is that I could do anything in the world with an “abandonment” mentality. I could be working a 9-5 as a teacher, abandoning all but His voice and make a difference everyday.
However, I find myself not making the most out of life. Wanting more.
I know that abundant life. I have tasted it. I have seen it with my own eyes. But I am living in a wealth part of Atlanta, wanting a new car and money to buys things. Getting caught up in the television shows every night and ho hum of my little apartment, forgetting the One who brought me here. I get caught up in the materialism, money and pursuit of anything but Jesus. Left wondering what is missing, when I know the answer.
Life would be great if I didn’t struggle with disciplines. I could get everything done in a timely manner. Go to bed on time, get up early, run 10 miles a day and spend hours in His presence. But while others struggle with addictions, lust, money, materialism, I struggle with disciplines. Then I reach that breaking point. I have sought after everything but Him so that hole is getting emptier and emptier each day. I have to fill it with Life. I have to be those stories I read about everyday.